What's the difference between a violin and a
viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks
smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.
What's the difference between a violin and a
fiddle?
A fiddle is fun to listen to.
Why are viola jokes so short?
So violinists can understand them.
How do you tell the difference between a
violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
What do a violin and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a
violin case?
They think he's carrying a machine gun and might be about to use it.
Why do people tremble with fear when someone comes into a bank carrying a
viola case?
They think he's carrying a viola and might be about to use it.
Did you hear about the violinist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing
one.
How many second violinists does it take to
change a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high!
String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."
Why is a violinist's fingers like
lightening?
They never strike the same place twice!
Why don't viola players suffer from piles
(hæmorrhoids)?
Because all the buttholes are in the first
violin section.
What's the difference between a fiddle and a
violin?
No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
Why do violinists put a cloth between their
chin and their instrument?
Violins don't have spit valves.
Why should you never try to drive a roof
nail with a violin?
You might bend the nail.
How do you get two violinists to play in unison?
Shoot one.
A violinist says to his wife, "Oh,
baby, I can play you just like my violin."
His wife replies, "I'd rather have you
play me like a harmonica!"
Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once
handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a
concert.
"There's not much room on this page,"
he said. "What shall I write?"
Another violinist, standing by, offered the
following helpful hint: "Write your repertoire."
Isaac Stern was once confronted by a middle
age lady after a concert. She gushed "Oh, I'd give my life
to play like you!"
"Lady", said Stern acidly, "That
I did!"
At Jascha Heifetz's debut at Carnegie Hall in 1917, violinist Mischa Elman stood up at the break and wiping his face, he commented" It's hot in here!" Arthur Rubenstein sitting next to him quipped, "Not for pianists!"
"Haven't I seen your face before?"
a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man
answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last
winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge.
"Twenty years!"
To be fair to other musicians:
When a conductor and a watermelon are dropped from a
24 story building, which hits the ground first?
--Who cares?
A man and his son were walking through a
cemetery. The boy asked, "Daddy, do they bury two people in the same grave?"
The father said, "Two people? Let me look."
So the father took a look, and sure enough, the marker said, "Here lies a
symphony conductor and a humble man."
Q: Christopher Hogwood, Daniel
Barenboim, and Neville Mariner are all on the same plane when it
ditches in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Who is saved?
A: Mozart
Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.
What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.
What is the definition of a half step?
Two oboes playing in unison.
Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other,
"Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
They call a viola, a bratsche in Germany. Do you know how this came to be?
Because that's the sound it makes when you sit down on it.
Questions and Answers about the violin:
Q: Why doesn't anyone ever complement a violin player?
A: Because everyone knows that the real instruments deserve all the
complements.
Q: How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.
Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.
Q: Why don't violists play hide and seek?
A: Because no one will look for them.
Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.
Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Sit in the back and don't play. Or Play in the low register with a lot of
wrong notes! :)
Q: What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: A viola burns longer.
Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
A: It is usually still in the case.
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Q: Which is smaller, a violin or a viola?
A: They are actually the same size, but a violinist's head is so much
bigger.
Q: Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
A: Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that
they're missing.
Q: What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
A fiddle is fun to listen to.
Q: Why are viola jokes so short?
A: So violinists can understand them.
Q: What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
No-one minds if you spill beer on a fiddle.
Q: How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
A: The dog knows when to stop scratching.
String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."
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The following was contributed by Alvin:
How's a violin like a vampire?
1) They sleep in cases
How's a violin like a vampire?
2) They leave marks on your neck
How's a violin like a vampire?
3) They melt in direct sunlight.....
The following was contributed by Diane Sullivan who played violin with the Phoenix Symphony for 38 years:
How do you get a cello to sound
beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin. (been there, done that)
>
How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
Write "pp, expressivo" on the music.
>
What do you call one pretty good violinist,
one better-than-average violinist, one failed violinist, and someone who
hates violinists who are all together in the same room? A string quartet.
The following was contributed by John Black of Richardson, TX
1) What's the difference between a violin
and a fiddle?
answer: the more I don't practice my violin, the more it sounds like a fiddle
2) Violinist, can you sing?
No, the Good Lord propped this piece of wood under my chin to keep my mouth
shut.